Skip to main content

The Things I'm Praying Now

A week and a half ago we lost my precious nieces. Fiona Kate and Guenevere Anne were born at 24 weeks, and were only with us only for a day. 

It has been devastating to walk through this time together. But we are together, as a family and as a community, so that is a comfort. It also has reminded me of how little I know, as a nurse and as a person, and how many questions I still have. 

I wrote this as a part of my processing and read it at the memorial service last Saturday. 

Love to all,
Amanda




I’ve told a lot of people that I don’t have words this week. The questions “How are you?” or “How are your brother and sister in law doing?” don’t seem to have any real answers.

Tired. Shocked. Numb. Broken. We could try some of those words. But, they don’t seem to fit, and neither do the things that we say to try and feel better, because the truth is that words cannot touch this pain.



It seems that my “prayer life” is mirroring my real life, and I also don’t have words for God. I can’t remember consciously praying once throughout Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday morning. We swore, wept, sobbed on each others shoulders and our minds were full of racing thoughts. Our knees touched the floor and our hands closed into fists and went up into the air. Maybe these were wordless prayers, like the ones that “… all of Creation gives off as it groans and waits.”



But on Sunday night I found some words, as I sat surrounded by people who were weeping with me.

My hand was over my heart as I thought/prayed,

Make me soft

An echo of my prayer last year, when I realized that there are still so many parts of me that are hard, discontented and bitter.

“Make me soft…”

Softer than I was before.

Softer to suffering and to grief.

Softer to small and precious babies.

Softer to my family and friends.

Softer to those who are different from me.

And, eventually, softer to God.




This was my first prayer, shortly followed by my second.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

For the people who have been Love to us, constantly, through it all.

For hugs and human touch.

For our family and extended family.

For Fiona and Gwen and how precious they have been to us.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

We Must Weep

A few weeks ago the darkness took over the sky. Now, anytime after 3pm, you can feel the downward pull of gravity telling you to sink into your bones.The same week that the sky became dark in Massachusetts, the temperatures dropped and the dread of winter became a talking point in day-to-day conversation. People here have not recovered from the winter of 2015 when snow piled 9 feet high in the span of 6 weeks. There is a tension in their voice when they talk about shoveling and being stuck indoors.

I love the fall. I love the change of the sky to clear blue when the air becomes dry. I love the colors of the leaves and the quiet rain. But, this fall has not been restful but restless for me. Under the trees laden with wet leaves I have not found peace and quiet, but a silent roar of anger. It is too soon. Not enough. I am not ready.
*****
I can feel the vertigo of my sadness. Do not let anyone tell you that grief is not a physical process. Our bodies will tell us so many things if we l…

Five Friday Feminist Finds and Fun

Hello,

I've been posting infrequently and erratically, it seems, probably due to the little person who has recently taken over most of our free time.

But, I thought this would be a fun way to get back into the swing of sharing a little bit more on the inter-webs. So here you go.

Whether you would unashamedly describe yourself as a "feminist," or no, whether male or female, East Coast, West Coast, or international community, I hope you enjoy this list of 5 things that have been making my female heart happy and my lady brain think new thoughts.


1. Soy Yo (Bomba Eséreo)

The Kind of Mom I Thought I Would Be

I’m not the kind of mom that I thought I would be.

Truth be told, I didn’t have very many conscious expectations about what kind of mom I would be. It was shockingly easy for us to have a baby. We didn’t have a long wait or struggle before we were pregnant, we just were. Four months after we were married I held a positive pregnancy test in my shaking hands.
Theoretically and practically, we were prepared to be parents. I had worked with children since I was 14. Both my husband and I had friends who with babies and toddlers, both of us wanted a family, and we both had jobs in our fields of study that allowed us the flexibility to change our “five year” plan. We quickly became excited that we were starting our family.
But, somewhere in the flurry of planning, my subterranean mind was working and carving out caves full of ideas. Different visions of myself as a mother had been formed without me thinking through my self-expectations. They came into my mind slowly, in the months followin…