Skip to main content

"Kick my butt today"

It can be really painful to be all in.

Last week after a flurry of self-pity and bemoaning "Oh whyyyy is my lifeeee so hard right now." I paused and said, "God, if you want to, you can kick my butt today."

After praying that I innocently clicked through the blogosphere. So strange that we browse blogs now instead of flipping the pages in a book. And as I clicked I kept coming to story after story of people who are letting their hearts be hurt for something that is bigger than themselves. I repeat. They are letting themselves be hurt. They felt the choice to do something, to feel something or to just let it be and they chose to let their hearts live in a place of discomfort.

Jamie calls herself "the very worst missionary" and right now she is letting the ugliness and the rape of children in SE Asia break her heart. She is a throbbing, bleeding, open hearted momma who is speaking out against some of the darkest things in this world.

Emily works as a doctor in a rural clinic in Washington. She says that it is her responsibility to seek out the light in each patient, and to offer whatever she has to bind their wounds.

The Livesay family live and work in Haiti. They have walked through the rubble of the 2010 earthquake and they help to organize and run a maternal and child health clinic. They say that giving in to living in Haiti with their family was like a long defeat. They describe the heartbreak of leaving friends and family, of being misunderstood, and of being "at home" in an alien culture where they will never feel fully comfortable.

Then, I thought about all of the nurses that I work with in Hospice and how they walk into peoples last moments with grace and courage. I thought of my friends and family; the ones who are counselors, ministers, my friend Lindsay who works in drug and alcohol rehab, and the ones who love on difficult people time and time again.

And I felt a deep conviction that lately I have been saying, "I am giving too much," instead of asking, "what would You have me give?" I have been holding onto an inner reservoir for me and me alone.

God then kicked my butt even further. I felt this reverberate through my heart- There is a difference between whispering "I trust you" when everything is going well, and shouting "I trust you" from the center of the storm."

And then He asked me to give my all. Without understanding, knowing that it will hurt, and letting my heart be open, He asked me to be all in.

I told Him yes. And I wish I could tell you that this week was better because of it, but it was actually worse. It was pain, crying, lots of confusion, and lots of shouting "Is it going to be like this forever!?"

"...It seems necessary to reestablish the basic principle that none of us can help anyone without becoming involved, without entering with our whole person into the painful situation, without taking the risk of becoming hurt, wounded or even destroyed in the process." - Henri Nouwen



I would like to caution each one of you against asking God to kick your butt, because it kind of sucks. But you may want to consider being all in, because Redemption is happening now in the lives of the brokenhearted. We can go there, weep, give all we have and be changed.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

(Honest) Prayers of Intercession

in·ter·ces·sion /ˌin(t)ərˈseSHən/ noun
- the action of intervening on behalf of another



Last week, before flying out to California, I was awake in the middle of the night, feeling my baby move inside my growing belly bump and crying into a pillow. My friend Megan had just been told that the doctors thought her baby boy had cancer.

This precious boy has eyes that light up when he smiles at you. He is the epitome of an almost three year old; he is learning to share, he loves being in any kind of water, and would watch episodes of Dinosaur King on repeat for hours if you let him. Cancer. I can’t even process that word when it is attached to Lester, and now the diagnosis has been confirmed as Acute Myeloid Leukemia.

And so I pray, and in my prayers I invite other people to pray with me, but what those prayers look like might not be what you would expect.



What I think of as prayer has changed a lot over the past 7 years.

I used to think that prayer was saying or writing words to God, and…

Why I resemble Donald Trump’s taglines more than I would like to admit, and why that means that I will not be voting for him.

I’ve lived through a lot of change in the past year.
One year ago I moved to Massachusetts from California, nine months ago we got married, and in a little less than three months we are going to have a baby. Whew! Do you ever wish that you could press a pause button when you find yourself in the middle of a slow day and just take a break from the pace of life? I do, but this has not been that kind of year.

When I’m processing change, I usually get a little more introspective.
This is an example.

At the same time as I’ve had a year of change, full of highs and lows, we have had a year of crazy politicking and quite a few shenanigans.
And lets push the pause button here so that I can tell you- I do not consider this to be authoritative political commentary, it is a personal reflection. If you and I were having a face-to-face personal conversation about my feelings concerning the 2016 election, this is what I would hope to say to you.

It’s been very easy to sit back and look at all …

Keep Me Where the Light Is

It’s the Most Wonderful darkest time of the year over here in New England, and we have a new baby which means that when the sun goes down the dance of “will he or wont he sleep tonight?” begins.

The other day as I was walking in the evening (alone for a few precious moments!) the afterglow of the setting sun painted the sky behind dark tree branches with highlights of gold. The words from that John Mayer song filled my head “keep me where the light is” and I thought about how dark this time of year feels and how hard it is to stay in the moments of Light.



Having a new baby is amazing, but also completely disorienting. One moment you feel on the top of the world, like you have figured everything out, and the next moment you are wondering why babies don't come with owners manuals. He started smiling a few weeks ago, and now he smiles at us on purpose and makes cooing sounds when he is happy. I put him under the Christmas tree the other day and it felt like magic… for a moment. A f…