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"Kick my butt today"

It can be really painful to be all in.

Last week after a flurry of self-pity and bemoaning "Oh whyyyy is my lifeeee so hard right now." I paused and said, "God, if you want to, you can kick my butt today."

After praying that I innocently clicked through the blogosphere. So strange that we browse blogs now instead of flipping the pages in a book. And as I clicked I kept coming to story after story of people who are letting their hearts be hurt for something that is bigger than themselves. I repeat. They are letting themselves be hurt. They felt the choice to do something, to feel something or to just let it be and they chose to let their hearts live in a place of discomfort.

Jamie calls herself "the very worst missionary" and right now she is letting the ugliness and the rape of children in SE Asia break her heart. She is a throbbing, bleeding, open hearted momma who is speaking out against some of the darkest things in this world.

Emily works as a doctor in a rural clinic in Washington. She says that it is her responsibility to seek out the light in each patient, and to offer whatever she has to bind their wounds.

The Livesay family live and work in Haiti. They have walked through the rubble of the 2010 earthquake and they help to organize and run a maternal and child health clinic. They say that giving in to living in Haiti with their family was like a long defeat. They describe the heartbreak of leaving friends and family, of being misunderstood, and of being "at home" in an alien culture where they will never feel fully comfortable.

Then, I thought about all of the nurses that I work with in Hospice and how they walk into peoples last moments with grace and courage. I thought of my friends and family; the ones who are counselors, ministers, my friend Lindsay who works in drug and alcohol rehab, and the ones who love on difficult people time and time again.

And I felt a deep conviction that lately I have been saying, "I am giving too much," instead of asking, "what would You have me give?" I have been holding onto an inner reservoir for me and me alone.

God then kicked my butt even further. I felt this reverberate through my heart- There is a difference between whispering "I trust you" when everything is going well, and shouting "I trust you" from the center of the storm."

And then He asked me to give my all. Without understanding, knowing that it will hurt, and letting my heart be open, He asked me to be all in.

I told Him yes. And I wish I could tell you that this week was better because of it, but it was actually worse. It was pain, crying, lots of confusion, and lots of shouting "Is it going to be like this forever!?"

"...It seems necessary to reestablish the basic principle that none of us can help anyone without becoming involved, without entering with our whole person into the painful situation, without taking the risk of becoming hurt, wounded or even destroyed in the process." - Henri Nouwen

I would like to caution each one of you against asking God to kick your butt, because it kind of sucks. But you may want to consider being all in, because Redemption is happening now in the lives of the brokenhearted. We can go there, weep, give all we have and be changed.


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