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Fuzzy or Feeling: What it's like to be home

I have been getting a lot of questions lately.

Number one is, "So... How was Peru?"

And Number two is, "So, what's it like being home?"

Well, I don't really know how to answer question number one. I think that my memories, the things that I learned, the Spanish and the stories are just going to come out as I live here. I will be talking about Peru for a while, and I'm okay with that. Question number two is also pretty hard to answer, and here's why.

It seems like I go through my days here either feeling a LOT or just in a haze. When I'm really overwhelmed, everything starts to get fuzzy. It's like I'm listening to people talk from underwater. I have no idea what my face looks like, or how I come across in these moments. It's kind of like being stuck in puberty, when you just didn't understand anything but thought that you knew everything.

The most awkward thing is that I used to live here, and I feel like I used to be a lot better at it. But, I guess that's just a part of this whole thing. It's like the first few months in Peru all over again. I have to think twice as hard to do things. So, I just try to do the things that helped me adjust when I first got to Peru. I make a plan for my day and then I try to do as much of it as I can. When I feel overwhelmed (or "fuzzy") I just try to take a minute out to breath and focus on something outside of myself. Then, every once in a while I get hit by a rush of emotion, sometimes sadness and sometimes an overwhelming love for the people around me. It's so weird. It's like I either feel really distant from my emotions, or I'm that girl saying, "I just LOVE you guys SO much," and then crying.

Here are somethings that have been helping me;
- Small groups of people. I knew a lot less people in Peru, so small groups of people are a little more manageable for me. When there are too many people around I feel like a deer caught in headlights.

- Hugging babies. My friend's baby butt dialed me the other day. It made my day to hear her squawking on the other line.

- Tea and praying. Right now I basically pray with a tea mug glued to one hand. What I pray is this, "Oh help!!!" and "No really, HELP."

- Running. Running doesn't make my emotions go away, it just helps to put them in perspective. I'm trying to remember one of the biggest lessons that I learned in Peru, that selfishness takes many forms, one of which is being absorbed in your own feelings and failures. Running helps me with that.

I know that readjustment is normal, and that some people get resentful in this time, but I also know that some people do it without bitterness and that is my goal. If this whole time leaves me with less love in my heart rather than more, then what good did it do me? If I'm more entitled after living in a "developing" country, then I probably need a face slapping.

So, here are the things that I know and am holding onto right now. I love my home, I love my family, and I love MORE people than I did six months ago. But, I'm also a little overwhelmed.

The other day at church, somebody asked me how I was doing. Because I was a church, and it's not kosher to lie, I said, "I'm overwhelmed." He was walking the other direction and must have misheard me because he responded, "It's so great to be IN LOVE." Hmmmmm... Nope. Not exactly what I said.

So, there you go. That's what it's like to be home. If I was a zombie while I was talking to you, it was probably one of my fuzzy days and the next time you see me I will probably be crying all over the place. Don't worry, it will pass, and thanks for still being brave enough to share your babies with me. Did I mention that Christmas threw up everywhere? I guess that means it's ok, because I'm not the only one who is going crazy right now.



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