Ale La (Go There)

A reprise: The repetition of a piece- played again at the end or repeated throughout a score. A reprise stirs again the thoughts and emotions of before, reshaping them and calling to a deeper place, perhaps, perhaps not. It is an invitation to feel. The joy may be rekindled, the flames may rise a little higher. This reprise is a rest from the weight. It is a burden of a different kind. It is a return to the dusty trail where I felt the heft of surrender digging into my palm. It is a reflection on a year that was surprising, challenging, heartbreaking and life giving. I’m going back to Peru… Going back to the Canyon… Going back to the windswept highlands that are barren and empty, lonely and full. I’m going back to Peru. The music plays through my head. The first time I remember feeling alone and feeling uncertain. That underlying melody is the same, but the bridge is different. Because last time I was given a family and last time I surrendered my certainty. Thi...

Sometimes I wish I could just throw a postscript on something after I've been trying to live it out for a few weeks. So here ya go. This is a postscript to my  Hands open, Hands empty  entry from about a month ago. I just keep thinking about Jesus. You see, He gave His hands up to be opened and emptied... And then, they were spread wide. And then, they were pierced. And then, the Love that filled them was salty, thick and red. He bled His love out through hands and feet. Sometimes that is the kind of Love that fills our hands. The raw and bleeding kind. Sometimes we wish that God would speak to us as a teddy bear, rather than a lion. And sometimes we just sit there like Job and hear the words, "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?" I just keep thinking about Jesus. Jesus in the garden, "Not my will, but yours." Jesus asking Peter, "Do you Love me?" Jesus, hands open and empty, with holes in them for eternity,...

It can be really painful to be all in. Last week after a flurry of self-pity and bemoaning "Oh whyyyy is my lifeeee so hard right now." I paused and said, "God, if you want to, you can kick my butt today." After praying that I innocently clicked through the blogosphere. So strange that we browse blogs now instead of flipping the pages in a book. And as I clicked I kept coming to story after story of people who are letting their hearts be hurt for something that is bigger than themselves. I repeat. They are letting themselves be hurt. They felt the choice to do something, to feel something or to just let it be and they chose to let their hearts live in a place of discomfort. Jamie calls herself "the very worst missionary" and right now she is letting the ugliness and the rape of children in SE Asia break her heart . She is a throbbing, bleeding, open hearted momma who is speaking out against some of the darkest things in this world. Emily works as...

Surrender and Trust. Those are terrible words. They feel terrible anyways. I mean, I'm sure they are wonderful in theory. But anyone who has ever struggled with Surrender and Trust knows what I am talking about; that sinking feeling when trust comes up in a conversation, the numbness when someone says, " Don't you trust yourself? " and the near hysteria when you realize that trust and surrender mean that sometimes bad things happen. Well, I guess bad things happen anyways whether you trust, surrender, or not. Yes, this post is off to a cheerful start. I have been thinking a lot about  this time  when I was in Peru and vividly remembering my conversation with God about surrender. I remember that I was reading the book of Job on that trip, and I was struck by the encompassing tragedy of it, and how Job just sat in the dirt and wept for days. I remember that when I finally told God, " I think you can really HAVE my life... Yes, really. " I wanted to sit...

I don't know about you guys but I sometimes struggle with a lot of skepticism. But I have a working theory; God does stuff. Christians talk about Faith, we talk about God, and we talk about God having a plan for our lives. However, oftentimes, if we're honest, we will admit that we have a hard time believing in God's plan for our lives. Even more frustrating is the fact that we often cannot see God's plan for our lives. So, how are we supposed to follow along with whatever that plan is? These are the kinds of things I ask myself, and maybe you have asked yourself the same. I really felt like the time I spent in Peru was put in front of me in a really obvious way . People talk about feeling "called" to do something, but for me it was more like there were no options here in California and as soon as I started to think about moving to Peru a world of possibilities exploded. Call it what you like. I felt like God DID something to take me to Peru where...