Ale La (Go There)

Usually when people find out that I work in hospice and at a birth center they say something like, “Wow, both ends of the spectrum. What is that like?” Either that or they start singing The Circle of Life… I haven’t figured out a complete answer to that question yet. But, it’s a little bit like this. Remember the days when you were a child swimming in the ocean and its blue infinity captured all your senses? Momma Rowe used to tell us to keep our rainbow beach umbrella in sight so that she could count our heads as we bobbled up and down in the waves and whitewater. But when we were IN the water we usually had our eyes turned out at the great never-ending horizon rather than looking back for the rainbow umbrella. Our attention was focused on the rhythm; sand beneath feet, approaching wave, duck under, power rolling over you, push off the bottom, take back your breath in the open air, shake stinging salt from your eyes to watch for another wall of water, feel the sand be...

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Fear . Or more accurately, I have been thinking a lot lately about how Fear has been running my life, how it has been an undercurrent in many of my major decisions, and how it has distracted me from really living. I have a lot of ideas about this, and I’ve been challenging myself to write them out and to write about them honestly. But, in the middle of my honesty and “self reflection” I’ve come to a detour/stop. You see, Fear is not always a vague concept that is woven into a season of our life’s fabric. No, sometimes Fear is a real, visceral, confirmed and present danger. Sometimes Fear shouts at us through our circumstances, and, if we are honest, we are nodding our heads in agreement with it. What do we do when the face of Fear mirrors the reality in our life? What do we do when we have been rejected? What do we do when we face a life-changing illness? Or when we face the illness of a loved one? Or when we are told that ...

In the middle of sorting through my fears, dreams, hopes, and future plans I have found an Eden. The wildness is calling me. Lately, on my days off I am outside. I’m running the trails behind Fullerton. I am in the mountains with my family. I am pinching the flowering heads off of my basil plants, and leaning into and the rich, deep smell of homegrown tomatoes in the sunshine. When I’m inside, I’m wearing woolen hiking socks and T-Shirt that says “Go climb a rock.” I am smelling the left-over bonfire smoke in my hair and reading John Muir letters. The wildernesses outside and inside collide. Life is huge. It is full of things we do not understand. There are great joys and great tragedies. And sometimes in the rush and crush of overwhelming feelings we miss the grandiosity, the extravagance and joy.  I think the unexplained wildness of creation may be the very thing that calls to our hearts, the trigger of creation and the intricate detail of our innermost c...

This week I guest posted over at my friend Jen's blog for her series called "Expand." I felt pretty nervous about this because although I felt like I HAD to write about this, I also felt like it could cause some controversy. Would people read grace behind what I was saying? Would they think I was just another woman screaming that men have gotten it all wrong? NOT what I believe by the way. Anywho, in great trepidation I wrote and re-wrote and then sent this off to Jen for final editing. It's a part of my self examination of how fear has ruled my life. It's a part of the writing challenge that I set early this year. Here's an excerpt from the middle; "Looking back now, I feel like God was working on my trust issues with men at the same time as He was making me into feminist. Ironic. But, isn’t that the way that He does things? I want to say here that there are a lot of people who I deeply respect who don’t like the word “feminist.” For them...

Somewhere around the turn of the New Year, thoughts about fear kept weaving themselves through the fabric of prayers, experiences and conversations that make up the living, breathing fabric of Life. I suddenly stepped back and saw a greater pattern in mine. I saw some of the ways that fear has dictated my thinking and guided my decision making process.   Fear dominated much of the way I approached my faith. Fear snuck its way into my thoughts about femininity. Fear told me to hold back reserves even in my deepest friendships.  Fear kept me from following.  Fear had my hopes for the future locked up tight in cages.  But something has been shaking loose.  "Be a Lamp. Or a Lifeboat. Or a Ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd."   - Rumi The BIG parts of life and death keep hitting me like a Mack truck. Rather than be the sad llama  who feels oh so sorry for herself, I want to be ...

Somedays I feel like my nickname should be “perpetual motion” but then days like today happen and I find myself sitting in the my living room, in a dark and quiet house, with the light from one candle and the chatter of far away traffic for company. I feel shaken from the Holiness of death. Not in a fearful way, but it’s as if something Big has happened, and as if the longing space in my heart just grew deeper. I feel like moving slowly and purposefully. Then I feel like tying on my minimalist shoes and finding a trail that runs a pathway under that big, clear moon that has just risen up to quiet the noisy sky. I feel like eating chocolate and drinking whisky. Or maybe I should just lay down on the wooden floor, and let silence wash over me. These moments are precious and if we “Have not Love” then all the words we speak are just noise, and all the actions we take are empty. Sometimes we must stop moving to feel and be filled. And I remember: ...